Feelings

Sometimes it's hard to put into words how you feel, I am going to try.  It's long.

First off I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me.  I want to be treated like a human being just like everyone else.

Neither do I want anyone to think that, after my previous post, I'm on some crusade against capitalism.  There's nothing wrong with capitalism, there's nothing wrong with socialism but either of them in their extremes are bad.

I feel that I, no-one else, just me, has been hypnotised (I can't think of a better word) into thinking I need possessions in my life to make it better.  I feel that, when I'm in a shop looking at products that by owning those products my life will somehow be enhanced.

This conditioning has lead me to own a number of pieces of crap that I don't need.  I have Playstation games that are years old that I haven't even opened.  How do I get enjoyment out of something that I don't even use?  

If you asked me to list all those books, from my previous post, that I've never read then I'd have trouble.  Do I miss them?  No.  When I'm holding them thinking "should I get rid of this?" I couldn't possibly give it away or even sell it.

Making this break was easy, throwing away stuff that I didn't need and couldn't fit into my parents garage wasn't easy but I managed it.  That's where the bravery comes in, not sitting in Barcelona living on the poverty line trying to find work, that's easy.

People have commended me for showing guts, I don't think I have, this is the easy part.  Coming back to the UK, getting a job, earning money and trying not to spend it all on shit I don't need, that's the hard part.  If I manage that then I have guts.

I spoke to my family, at last, over the weekend on FaceTime.  I didn't realise I could otherwise I would have don't it ages ago.  I spoke to my sister, her boyfriend and their kids on Saturday and then my parents on Monday.

We spoke about the obvious.  How am I surviving and when am I coming home.  I looked at my nephew and told him that I love him very much.  I do wonder if he's thinking "why then did you run off to Barcelona?  If you loved me that much surely you would have stayed to play with me?"  

I don't know if he thinks that but it's logical.  Him and his sister mean the world to me, I would die for them so leaving the UK and choosing not to see them on months on end doesn't make sense.

I don't think my brain works like a normal person's.  I've thought this for a while, maybe 15, 20 years, maybe a little bit less, maybe 10.

My heart desires things that I think I need, this is a deep feeling inside my head, kind of like a trauma that has effected me and I buy stuff to make up for it.  My childhood was great, my sister turned out fine, it's just me that's broken.

I have a chemical imbalance in my brain and despite numerous visits to my GP I can't get a definitive diagnosis of this.  I had counselling at the turn of the year and didn't do much, I had more counselling in the spring and again this did nothing.  The second counsellor gave me a half diagnosis that I'm not depressed but others have told me that I definitely am.

I'm definitely stressed, that's for sure and repeatedly going to my GP trying to use the right words to help me get a diagnosis doesn't help.  I might as well bang my head up against a brick wall.

Anyone that is a friend on Facebook will know how political I am.  I'm forever sharing left-wing propaganda because I feel there is an injustice in the world, especially in British politics.  Remember that MP who had to pay back that money because he used it having his moat cleaned, he's just been made a Lord.  Can anyone else see the problem?

Take a look at ISIS, the "Islamic" extremists.  There is a deep left-wing belief that this group was created by Israel, secretly.  The point being that these people would raise tensions in the Middle East in the name of Islam and the world would be in uproar calling for war against Muslims.

On one of the numerous Facebook groups I read one female Muslim was talking about what Afghanistan was like in the 1970s.  She posted a picture and it was unrecognisable.  It looked like a Islamic version of the western world.  I need to do more research on this but her point was that the Afghanistan as we know it today is an American creation going along the same theme seen above.

On Wednesday two U.S. journalists were gunned down while live on air by a former colleague.  I read on the BBC that this guy was raised as a Jehovah Witness.  Why is it that if this guy had been a Muslim he'd have been regarded as a terrorist?

I was debating with former Conservative MP Louise Mensch on Friday evening and she said that most extreme Muslims are "Wahhabbis".  I know, I'm envisaging the same Elmer Fudd Photoshopped tie-in "I'm hunting Wahhabbis" that you are.  Another thing to research before jumping to conclusions.

I've got friends who think we should carpet bomb the whole of the Middle East.  What about the people that live there that are peaceful?  Let alone all the history, civilisation was born in the Middle East.  A carpet bombing of Syria for example would completely destroy Damascus, the world's oldest city.

I try and debate the point that there are 1.6billion Muslims in this world and that less than half a percent, about 8 million of them are terrorists.  That estimate seems a bit high so I googled it.  Just for shits and giggles.  

The first link was from a Christian website that carries an article about a woman who believes that "15-25% of the world's Muslims are terrorist".  To be fair to the website their article is balanced and they provide a counter argument from another source.

15-25% of the world's Muslims is 240m to 400m.  If either figure was correct we'd be dead already.  That's enough people and enough fire power to wipe us all out.  I reckon my estimate of about 8 million is more accurate and I reckon before America rocked up with their military bases the percentage was lower.

I'd be pissed off if someone put a military base in my country and strutted around like they owned the place and had the audacity to negotiate and decide whether my country could have nuclear weapons.

Relax, I'm not converting to Islam, I couldn't give up bacon.  I'm trying to give you an insight into how I find it hard to cope with the injustices of this world.  I can't let it go when I see someone who doesn't have the right of reply made a scapegoat by warmongering right-wing propaganda.  There's money to be made out of being anti-Islamic.

My problems are deep and aren't going to be fixed by trying the same things over and over again.  What's that quote about insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results?

My problems aren't going to be fixed by living on the poverty line in Barcelona either but it is a break from the norm.

When I first came here I had to be badgered into blogging, now look, what is it, four articles a week? The script I've been writing for about three years is finished (still looking for readers and constructive criticism), another book has began to be written.  I've written the synopsis, I know what happens from beginning to end, the story is there, I just need words on the page.

My blog carries adverts for which I get paid.  It's nowhere near sustainable but it is slowly improving.  In July I made .41p, in August I think there was two separate days where I almost made that amount on each of those days alone.

Last weekend I was on about .85p for the month and was wondering if I could get it up to £1 by this coming Monday, the 31st.  I looked on Tuesday evening after I posted that day's blog and it was on £1.17 for the month.  Not totally sure how it manages to make that massive leap, perhaps for the first time in the history of the Internet someone clicked on one of those adverts that offers laser eye surgery.

If I can continue to blog, add people who read it and by the looks of things I can then hopefully I'll pick up enough people that this will give me and income.  The blog is just based on stuff that I think, nothing specific, you've got to come on here with an open mind and be willing to let me rant whilst understanding that I still realise that I know that what I say and think is not taken as truth.  My opinion counts as nothing if no-one else agrees, other than the fact that it's my opinion to which I'm entitled.  I also recognise that others are entitled to their opinions, there's a Voltaire quote in this....

I'm still thinking that staying here for one more month is the answer.  Me and the landlady have discussed the rent issue and I've asked I can stay here for one more month rent free and if I manage to pick up work I'll back date my rent.  I think she's accepted it.

Three o'clock yesterday morning he was on the phone, loudly.  I don't know if he knows I can here him and it prevents me from getting some sleep, or wakes me up.  Who was he ringing at that time anyway, late night talk radio stations talking about UFOs? The kids are often up until that time, also loudly.  It's only because I'm a night owl that it doesn't bother me but what if it did?  They don't even bother to check if I care or try and calm the situation down.  The kids enter my room when I'm not here as well.  I had a street map that was ripped and on the floor when I came home yesterday.

This flat is going to be extremely hard to rent.  It's definitely illegal and along with the unsociable noise they're going to find it difficult to get someone as stupid as me to live here.  They may as well take a punt on giving me one more month.

I'm one step closer to getting my NIE number.  The first hostel I staying in needs a photographer.  I told him I would do it for free if he could "offer" me a job.  He's sorted it and now I'm going to be arranging my appointment.  Get that done and then who knows.  Even if I have to return to the UK I'll be closer to getting something.